Love Illusion
Revised Version:I've become a mirage.I walk in waves across mirrors;ripple when disturbed.I'm no oasis in the desertno palm bearing fruit. I'm the waterthat dries long after...The river is gone in...
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Hello - I love the declarative first line, and in fact the whole poem is good, but that last line deflates it for me. I like the palm that doesn't bear fruit, the stone that perhaps doesn't reflect...
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I like the intent and execution of this poem. I agree with changes sarah made. I would also look again at "the dry ocean bed". Enjoyed, Billy Joe
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sarah - thanks for reading and the suggestions - very valid. maybe i could change the last stanza to: perhaps now we can meet insubstantial as I was meant to be. dropping 'at last' & the...
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"the dry ocean bed & the smooth round stone" I agree Cannot. These textures are important and pertinent to the poem. I wouldn't touch them. I liked this poem, the images are strong, I like Sarah's...
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Hi Canno.I like the images in this poems. They are connected as whole.I like the idea of melting and dispear. The palm is a very strong and fit image too.I agree with others about the last line. I...
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Cannot---consider scale.I’m no oasis in the desert,i was never confused on this point. I'm the water that dries long after how is that?no palm bearing fruit.the river is gone in cracks upon your face;...
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Just a couple of suggestions that hopefully will be of some assistance. I believe quicksilver is all one word. I'll be back. Thank heaven I found this forum again. It has so much to offer. the dry...
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HelloLiked the juxtaposing of speaker and mirage - some thoughts inline - please use or lose as you see fitregards,JudeI fear I’ve become a mirage.** I suggest deleting 'I fear'Walking across mirrors...
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thank you sergio - i guess i should attempt a revision. thanks anna - glad you enjoyed! thank you bernie for all the input - perhaps rephrasing it the way Jude has suggested might make all the...
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Glad I popped in and read this. Feel you got great feedback and look forward to your revision
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